Wednesday, April 14, 2010

past, present, future

so easter happened. yay! easter. we had a nice low key weekend. jer took the whole off it of which was nice. we went on a prayer walk through the inner city on good friday and then spent the day with mom & bobo. we also celebrated the goodness of jer's school marks. saturday was a saturday if i recall. skyli and daddy went to the service at church, which she loved b/c there were flags and dancing and painting. and then lauren came to sleepover. she was woken at the break of dawn by an excited little girl. so bizzare. she is not usually that excited-up@6-canwepleaseopenggs- kind of girl. we read the easter story and had an egg hunt. went to church, and then to the family resurrection party (that is also james' birthday.)
and we went to camrose for the monday to see the davies3. it was nice. last week ethan visited and the whole thing just kind of disappeared on me before i knew it.

today i found myself again cursing and running around in a manic state trying to get our asses out the mother f-ing door. i do not, for the life of me, know an easier way to get us going. i prepare, i plan, i get stuff ready the night before. if i get up earlier, the kids get up earlier. if we are on time then timber seems to have this pressing need to de-rail it by insisting on wearing shorts out. (too cold) taking off his clothes while i gather last minute items or refusing some other necessity like a coat or footwear. these moment bring out the worst in me. the mean mommy beast rears her ugly head and i despise that! and the icing on the cake, (literally) is when i grab the perfect outfit that i planned for myself to say 'hi world, i am responsible and grown up, listen to what i have to say' only to go and fasten the troussers and find the button hole just won't meet the darn button. (see previous post and comments section.) onto the next pair, and the next pair... YIKES! i really gotta get this weight back off! Note to self, NO icing today! and then when i find the pants that do fit, i then dig through my massive pile of laundry strewn about my room, (the one room i have relinquished for [what should be] sanity) in search of an appropriate top. more mother f-ing and i am a crazy woman yelling at her children and driving like a bat out of you know where to get skylar to school just in time to get on the bus for her field trip only to run timber in the other direction to his first day at child care. (25 minutes late!)
and it was then,
at that moment,
while i stood in the foyer of the day care, unsure of where to go, what to do, or who to ask for, with bags, blankets and a sweet 2 year old sleepy head in my arms, i lost all control and the flood gates opened and i just started crying. (borderline sobbing actually!) and i felt like a.. like a child. unable to reason with my emotions and not clear on what they were. *sigh*
i wonder sometimes if i will ever get this sorted out? will i get places on time? will i not yell my children out the door? will i make it through a day with out so much drama?
and tomorrow i will make an attempt at it all again. well at least i saved laurens life today! she nearly suffered death by spin wheel. (more on that later.)

oh the places we will go.
i am trying to be more intentional about where we are headed. where i am headed. i am setting goals big and small for my moments, days, weeks and so on. i am trying to create space and time to accomplish them. i am setting up boundaries and routine and confinds in my day-to-day because i do so much better that way. i like to have a box and work with in it's limits... well sort of, but i need to be incharge of picking the box, it's color, size, material... and the lid needs to stay off.
also the future will have pictures of easter for you to see. i am just too lazy to go get my camera and upload right now. it is midnight.


Mrs. Spit said...

I wish I had a better answer than I don't know. I do know I made myself late for work reading this and other blogs, so patently I ought not to be giving any sort of advice to you.

I'm sorry it's such a struggle. I hope it gets better.

jz2 + faz + soleil = heart said...

oh lynsae...this post was riveting...mostly because it was so honest. getting out the door for our family continues to be THE single most difficlt time for us to get through gently... you pray for us, and we will pray for you. love from jenny.

Anonymous said...

Well I hope I help in some way sometimes haha I like that I am so part of your family that I get mentioned in your blog post as much as your children, though Id rather be your friend than your child, just cause you know the age thing would be creepy the other way round. Also... Thanks for saving my life and hauling my passed out body of the death machine. The more I think about skull contact with the spinning metal wheel/blade, the more creeped out I get... same time same place next week??