can i just say...

i just want to say,
and excuse my french....

but sometimes life is just a big fucking disappointment!

more on that later.

the worst day

not easter pics.
i have a fever of 102.2
skylar has 101.7
we were up through the night.
timbers cough is still bad and he is now vomiting.
they both have diareha.
lot's of crying and mopping.
i have a return of strep and possibly mono.
we are camping out at moms because jereme, 1: hates sickness 2: is sick himself like all of our ailments combined.
plus there is t.v here!
i wish i could say that mom was helping me out and i know she would be if she wasn't at the hospital right now.
she found her own mother unconscious today when she went to get her for an appointment.
she had a stroke sometime through the night and wasn't found until this afternoon. she is unresponsive and in a coma. we are hoping she will wake up and are waiting on more details from a stroke specialist. but it doesn't look all that good.
my heart is heavy and i feel yucki, i am wiping more bums and cleaning up more puke that i have in a long time. i am hot and cold. overwhelmed and alone. and i can not let myself cry as it really hurts my throat.
this is right up there with one of the worst days ever. next to one day on our family vacation 3 summers ago. if you know that story good, if not, even better.

this is all i got

So this will short and sweet.
the rashes are different stages of the strep virus. (go figure!) and now all 4 of us are the anti antibiotic users.
the plans for looking at things differently will have to wait until another day.

there has been a tornado move through our house tonight and though i saw the warnings, i was not prepared and i am in the midst of cleaning up the devastating after math. don't make a fuss now, this is just a part of what has become our life. there is joy in the hopes of tomorrow. good night.

giving thanks for the memories

well, i will have to share eventually, so might as well get on with it. october has officially worn, stressed and saddened me out. more about all the events later. this entry is simply to bring attention to the the man i called papa, who left this world on thanksgving monday. both expectedly and suddenly. it is a funny thing, greif. it has blind sided me and krept suddenly into my everyday moments. i am most sad that he will never again wrap his arms around me or whisper in my ear. never again will we see his eyes light up when they look upon skylar and timber. at our yearly family gatherings, his sweet, silent presnce will not be sitting yonder, taking it all in. grief is selfish. i know he was ready, that he is better to have passed than to have carried on in sufering, yet there are waves that take me the place where all i can see is what we are left to miss. children allow you such oppertunity. looking at death trhough the eyes of my 4 year old full of questions is exhausting and comforting. it has allowed me to look deeply into the truth and the take refuge in the simplness of it all. skylar thought we ought to take our bed time story the the hospital to read it to old grampa and to say goodbye. that was the last time she saw him alive.

" mommy? can we go to heaven today? to visit old grampa?" the words of skylar the morning after he passed. if only it were that easy?!